A dog in the bed

Completely off topic from my previous post but what the hell, i felt like sharing.

I like dogs.

I just want to make that perfectly clear before you read this and automatically assume that I hate dogs. 

I don’t…honestly. 

I have a dog. Well actually no, I tell a lie, what I have is a dog that belongs to my parents but has insisted upon attaching herself to me with zero provocation.

No bacon in the pockets or anything.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to mention now that this dog is particularly clever, she’s a 15 month old Collie cross Labrador and I adore her, but she is NOT my dog, she is most definitely my mother’s dog. Supposedly.                             

 Her attachment to me was pretty much instantaneous from the moment she arrived in the family abode, she followed me everywhere. A little bundle of black fur all paws and eyes and at first I found it sweet, adorable, even a little flattering. But then I started wondering (as I’m sure most people do when suddenly presented with unwarranted and unaccountable affection) why me? And once I started thinking about it in greater depth, none of the possible reasons for her attachment that I came up with were at all flattering, or adorable, or sweet.

Reason number one: Collie’s and Labrador’s are well known for being aid and guide dogs to the blind and the epileptic, they can also sense when someone is about to have a stroke, when there’s going to be an earthquake or when someone’s about to go into labour etc. so in short, being followed around by my new ‘pal’ feels something akin to being stalked by the grim reaper.

Reason number two: Do dogs look after the weakest in their pack the most? I’m not sure about this but my suspicions were triggered by the sorrowful and often pitying looks she gives me e.g. the time I threw her ball and it ended up in a bush that was behind me and her pitying and sorrowful looks lasted the entire twenty minutes it took for me to find said ball.                                                           

As I said, I don’t know if this is a bona fide doggy type fact but if they do in fact do this, then it is insulting and makes me feel as though I’ve been put on the special bus.

Reason number three: She feels most connected with me as she feels we are on a similar level intellectually – again, this is insulting.

Reason number four: Wherever I am there is likely to be food involved. 

True, but still...

Whatever the reason, it led to one of the worst night’s sleep I’ve ever had in my life. Last night, my parents went to bed and as usual she came into my room to chill with me for an hour before I went to bed at which point normally (after much discussion, bribery and foot-on-dogs-backside action) she goes back to her bed in my parent’s room.                                                                                 

Last night, this did not happen.

Last night she caught me when I was weak, vulnerable and tired from a stupid day at work. By the time I was ready for bed she was fast asleep and looked so cosy, I fooled myself that tonight it would be different from all the other hundreds of nights she’s slept in my bed and driven me round the proverbial bend. Tonight she would sleep right through the night I told myself, she would sleep on the corner of the bed and take up none of my space I told myself.

I was, in short, a fool.

As I write this now I feel even more of a fool for ever thinking this as she is currently laid across my body (acting as a sort of table for my laptop) and she has the hiccups. I didn’t even know that dogs could get hiccups but this one does. Maybe she’s some form of sub terrestrial dog, or has special dog DNA, or was made in a lab and is actually crossed between a Collie, a Labrador and a hiccup. 

But I digress. As I was saying last night, I caved.

Things started off pretty well, I kept to my side (the left hand side next to the wall) and she kept to her side (the other side). It took me half an hour longer to get to sleep then usual but I managed it. Things were going alright, I was asleep, dreaming inconsequential happy dreams but was rudely awoken by a claw that seemed to be attempting to rid my face of its skin. Once I’d established I wasn’t being mauled or attacked by some kind of bird of prey I discovered that what she wanted was a cuddle. So we had a cuddle. I fell back to sleep to which the dog took great offense and proceeded to lay on the full length of my body thus (I think) attempting to suffocate me. Once I’d regained the ability to breathe, she wanted to get under the covers – this was at about 1.30 am by the way – and she lay behind me with her nose on my shoulder, breathing somewhat noisily into my ear. Again, this was manageable.                         

Then she decided she wanted to be laid the other way so after much shuffling and burrowing, eventually we were topping and tailing. At which point she took it into her head that I might enjoy a foot bath. I did not. She also thought my entire bed and my right ankle and forearm might enjoy a wash. They did not. Why my ankle and forearm, I don’t know and received only a pitying look when I asked her.

Eventually the bathing stopped and the old ‘too hot, too cold’ routine started, basically meaning she gets under the covers for ten minutes then gets out and lays on top of them, then under, then on top, then under, then on top and so on and so forth. 

I can sleep through this for the most part, but what I don’t sleep through are her ‘doggy dreams’. You know the ones, the ones where their chasing something and their legs ‘run’. Which is great fun when their feet are at your back and is especially fun when they let out that sudden bark when their dream rabbit has just gotten away from them and you about shit yourself.                                                                                                                             

Anyhow, eventually she stopped this and I slept for maybe half an hour until with a huff, she got up and howled until I let her out of my room. When I eventually dragged myself from my now rather damp bed to open the door for her, I was met with a look of such disdain the like of which I’ve never known. 

As if I was somehow the duvet stealer!     

So what have I learnt? Well I’ve learnt that I’m about to be the victim of some kind of impending doom, I have the brain development of a dog and I make an awful bed companion.

 But what I know now is that this must stop, I must be firm, put down my foot (preferably the one without the ankle covered in canine saliva) and eschew this dog with a firm hand. I must regain my previous position as at least the third most senior member of the household and reaffirm to her that I am the leader and she is the follower.

Yes, I feel more empowered and in charge already but a lead has just been flung in my general direction. I think my reaffirming and regaining will have to wait until after my dog has dragged me out into the night in the middle of winter.